In honor of my New Year's resolution...a classic blog revisited!

Treadmill 101

OK, so like every other lame, overweight under-achiever out there, I purchased a treadmill in a futile attempt to shed pounds in 2006. I tried out several models in the store, strolling at a leisurely pace of about 1.5 miles an hour. I settled on a mid-priced model, with a few built-in programs and speakers for my iPod. After a week of mindless over-indulgence in food as preparation for the arrival of the afore-mentioned torture device, my treadmill was delivered.

On day 3 post-arrival, I finally guilted my jiggly belly into getting on the treadmill. After 15 minutes of dressing and prep time, I was ready. I turned the treadmill on, and hopped aboard to survey my options. Let's see....cardio, manual....ahhhhh....FATBURN! Obviously this is the option for me!

I select the "burn off your ass fat" button, and press start. The machine predictably begins at about 1.2 miles an hour. After all, we ARE dealing with a fat person, and we don't move all that quickly. After a pleasurable two minute stroll, the machine pops up to 1.8 miles and hour. While this is still not a challenge, I'm starting to think that I might be sweating soon. Again, ::beeeep::, the machine kicks up to 2.4 miles an hour. Two minutes later...::beeeep::, we are up to 2.8. Now, 2.8 miles an hour is about the fastest I have ever walked....EVER. So, I am now officially "working out". I'm feeling pretty good, and then as the timer reaches the next two minute interval....

BEEEP! We are now up to 3.4 miles an hour. Now we are hauling some a**. In fact, my a** is jiggling in ways it rarely does. I have managed to keep up, but am saying a silent prayer of thanks that I had the forethought to attach the emergency shut-off clip to my shirt. I'm literally thinking "this is only for TWO minutes, then it should slow back down a little."

BEEEEEEEP....NO such luck! We are now at a chest rattling 4.5 miles an hour. I am JOGGING to keep up. Women with breasts as large as mine SHOULD NOT JOG!!!! I felt as if I could give myself a concussion at any moment with a blow to the chin. My heart was also trying desperately to escape from my chest at this point. However, positive self-talk won out. I can do this, I thought! Anyone can jog for two minutes! And so I jogged....

BEEEEP...YOU guessed it! We are now at 5.2 miles an hour! What kind of MORON designed a fat-burning program like THIS? I am now hauling ass at 5.2 miles an hour, cussing, and desperately trying to press the arrow down key to lower the speed. Apparently the over-exhertion had exhausted my brain cells, as all I REALLY needed to do was give that good old emergency shut-off cord a good yank.

Thankfully, I lived to tell this tale. A word to the IMBECILE who designed the "FATBURN" program on Spirit treadmills.....FAT people cannot run! If they COULD, they would probably not be FAT! FAT impedes the ability to move that quickly!!!!!!!

As a last note, if the word "fat" offended anyone, "Lord, I apologize...and please be with the starving pygmies....Amen."

The anti-blog

I made several smart remarks in this blog, and it disappeared when I tried to post it. What a waste.

Let's try to re-create:

OK, I gained 5lbs over Christmas, and the fat is eating my brain cells, therefore I have nothing to blog about. A real tragedy for my three faithful followers, I'm sure. Let's keep in mind that there is no crying in baseball..er....blogging, so suck it up and move on.

My New Year's resolutions:

1. Lose weight, and potentially regenerate lost brain cells as a side benefit

2. Bite my tongue more and roll my eyes less. This is a little like patting your head while rubbing your tummy-it's very difficult to do simultaneously, so don't push it!

3. Scrapbook more in the vain attempt to keep tot #3 from hating me...that particular tot is almost two and has no scrapbook!

4. Blog more-I know my reading public wants all they can get!

5. Get organized. To that effect, I shredded two bag's worth of paper today. The bad news-there are at least three more bags left to shred!

And that's it. For the second time in 30 minutes, I will attempt to save/post this flipping blog. It had better work this time, or else. Or else what, I don't know. I will probably run in circles screaming and pulling my hair out. Hey, maybe I'll even pull out a gray hair or two!